It all becomes too much and I just fall into the welcoming darkness where my thoughts are dark and negativity takes hold. There’s too much to do and the things I want to achieve are harder when I talk myself out of them and give in to lack of motivation. And I can feel myself slipping into depression. I don’t seem to enjoy much about life anymore. It’s all structured in my mind like a timetable or roster and it’s driving me crazy. Things need to be done at a certain time by a certain time and it’s frustrating. Work is becoming harder and there’s no time for all this extra stuff they want and expect. I agreed another day but I’m already regretting it. I try to please people and the word No seems defunct to me. I need everything organised and perfect or I feel the world slip around me. My thoughts drive me insane, I know they are not everything but they have such an impact on me.
That morning I felt it all, the impressions I have on myself, the expectations I put upon myself and I just simply slipped; down to the welcoming darkness and I honestly could’ve simply stayed there wallowing in the dark fear the surrounds my soul. When everything becomes too much and it just seems like fighting is far too much to do right now. When the darkness wants me to be sad, to cry about something and overthink something from several years ago. The day wears on me and I want everything to end, to just let someone else take control of every little action I have to do for a day, week or month. To take that pressure of me to be more than laying here thinking about nothing.
And yet I’m still having troubles with sleeping at night; I want to blame the hot summer nights but I know it’s more than that, it’s my overactive brain stressing over every little thing and not being able to relax for long enough to let me fall asleep for how long I need. There’s a dark place welcoming me every time I close my eyes that brings up the ways the light resists me. The dark place is always around, there’s always a piece of it inside me. I am strong enough to pull myself out of it eventually but often at points it feels like this state of being depressed cripples every part of the lightness that envelopes me.