And I tell myself I want some time for myself but you just come back to my mind and then when I persist I simply feel like crying. I feel like I can’t form the words to say, I know how you feel about me and how I believe I feel about you but when there’s a desire to want something and you don’t seem to want it I wonder what’s the point? You’re too tired or sleeping the day away without a single word to me. There are amazing moments we have shared and I don’t want this to end but at some point I get so frustrated with how this is going and I’m sure you can sense my silences and are either waiting for some way to say something or waiting for me to bring it up but I’m just lost right now. And now I have nothing to seem to say on the phone calls we share, you always take on the lead and talk about your interests. It seems to me that you’re set in your own ways and I can’t bring myself to change the balance and I doubt myself in many ways.

I suppose what this thing is becoming is bringing me some anxiety and I’ve had way too much of that in recent weeks. But how can I tell you that most days I just feel like crying and I simply want you to hold me without my having to ask. But you’re busy and I understand that and I’m not used to anything like this, it’s still new to me. This is only 7 months and while I don’t have any plans to say let’s break up I feel like I’m missing something still. I feel like I give and give without anything in return, It’s always what you want to watch on the TV or on your terms and it bothers me but if I bring it up it’ll come across as some foreign language. And instead of arguing with you I just surrender because I never win with you (or you never let me win) so what’s the damn point in even trying. I’m only failing in something even more with you but I can’t bring myself to say it.

I try to make myself leave time without you, without any communication but you’re so ingrained in my heart that I fail, I just want you near me. Yet you don’t seem to sense it not that I’m succeeding in anyway because I’m not communicating and I’ve had these thoughts in the past so I’m surprised why you’re still around and not trying to cut the chord with me. I mean we have almost nothing in common and makes me wonder what will keep us together if we continue on a future path. There are things I’d like in my future but neither of us can plan that far ahead or predict what’ll happen and there’s so much fear surrounding my heart and you.

Am I simply too emotional to think straight about everything right now and maybe my words need to be written to you in some sort of order to get things out of my head and heart in an order to sort through them all. But it’s not something I could do over the phone, but then I freeze up when I’m standing in front of you. For someone who supposedly reads me so well, do you not sense that there’s something bubbling inside me about us or are you just waiting for me to say something? There’s only so much you can help me through when I can’t bring myself to challenge these fears and thoughts contained in my heart and the reasons I feel like crying all the time.

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