I just cannot explain how the words disappear from my mind. How I’d just prefer to listen to you talk. To quiet my mind and not let the thoughts overrun me. How I seek consistency and a life where insomnia doesn’t sneak in to destroy my nights. How words used to be my friend on the page but no longer flow from my mind. How the world used to seem different somehow and the success I achieved meant more. I can’t explain all the fear that comes from a single thought or the thought before I try to sleep that I must go to the bathroom just one more time. I wish the words would come to mind and the inspiration to strike.
Today was a day I could’ve done without; a public holiday that brought with it an early wake up call from a sore neck and a morning begun with a headache and inability to fall back asleep. The dizziness last night meant I turned in early but today should’ve been skipped. And then the tears on the phone call I should’ve just kept waiting for. The realisation that I’ll never be perfect, that I’m not normal in my reactions and I honestly don’t know why. A lot of the time I just don’t know why I am the way I am. I just cannot explain it, perhaps it’s denial or simply I wasn’t aware. Or have I buried it so far beneath my subconscious I didn’t realise it’d bite me in the arse one day.
Half the time I have nothing interesting to say, and have no opinions so I stay silent cause if I speak I’m wrong or cause an argument and I hate when people raise their voices. The shock of the loud noise and disturbance. I crave the silent moments and I hate confrontation but has that left me just somewhat lonely and unable to truly feel connections and moments. Or truly listen to to others. Has the way of the world made it impossible for me to concentrate on one thing at once. Always wanting the next thing now but not wanting to rush the next step. I know it’s weird for a thirty year old to still be living at home but I’m complex and never have I had the thought or need to leave home.
And as I ramble all this down, I know this is just a moment of my thoughts, a moment of time where life isn’t what I think it should be. It could be worse and we reach each day in a different mood. Today should just be gone and erased for bringing reality to my fantasy. I am aware I live in a dream world but the world is a scary place and it keeps me safe. But I’m unable to explain the words, the fear, the insecurity contained in me. I may be thirty chronologically but somewhere along the way I missed vital steps and I’m not actually how a thirty year old should be.