Glow

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Radiating out from her inner core, there is a glow about her. One that developed from this heart of hers. She shines brighter than the sun and her smile is filled with brightness. Her core is a light with sparkles of yellow light beaming her. She takes on the day with the kindness she contains seeing every person she encounters with a light around them and with the chance to offer some happiness. She’s the kind of the girl that will spend an hour or more walking through the flowers and dancing when the moment strikes her. She wears the bright colours, the ones that give her confidence and boost her personality. She strikes ahead with the best of intentions and doesn’t let the opinions of others stop her from achieving what she wants. She stands tall and proud with what she believes in and the person she truly is. She is proud of herself and she brings others to her with her kind heart and honesty.

She has an air about her that she floats through life but she’s just really in touch with who she really is and what her purpose is. She is able to go about her day knowing she can deal with anything put in her path, she is able to overcome any challenge put in front of her and she knows that every emotion stems from a thought and reaction. She follows her heart with the knowledge that her mind will follow. She has a strong sense of intuition and is able to push away the doubts she has about herself. She surrounds herself with people that bring a positive influence to her life where she can and removes herself from toxic situations with people that bring negative vibes.

She has the inner knowledge to move forward from any prickles that others may bring her way. She doesn’t wish any harm to others but believes in karma and that what we put out into the world comes back to us eventually. She strikes ahead with her dreams making them come true and puts into practice what she truly believes in, yet she is not afraid to ask for help when she needs it. She offers a hand to those who need it and does her best in everything she tries. She knows that there’s a reason everything happens and that it happens at the right moment in life. Life teaches us something in every moment and challenges present themselves to help us move on or overcome. She knows that these challenges will keep appearing until they have been overcome or moved through.

She sparkles with light. Throughout her entire being is graceful woman that is trying to envelop the outer being the best it can. She reaches out to the people that bring that light forward and is grateful for all the lessons from those that are filled with the shadows bring her way. She sees beauty in all the world and holds on tight to all the things that bring her joy. She’ll see the best in everyone and treasure the ones that are real, true and nurture the goodness in her soul. She’s true to herself and she inspires others to be true too without even realising her impact on them. She glows brighter than the sunshine and the stars combined.

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You (1 year with)

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You make me feel like I can do anything, you set my body on fire and make me want more. Your eyes meeting mine and setting my heart beating. You make me want to try to be better and challenge my every moment. You drive me crazy, you make me insane but you make me whole. You make me want to change the world for you and tackle all the things that scare me. You make me want to throw away all the caution and explore everything with you and you make me feel safe. You bring me more love than I ever thought possible and you help me want to want things that have been hidden and locked away. You make me feel and help me. You calm me down and let me be myself when I can be. You read my moods and every sound in my voice. You hold me in your arms and fill me with such hope and make me feel like the only girl in the world. Your voice utters the words I love you and it sends my heart into flutters. You create this new world where anything seems possible and a single thought of you makes me beam.

You bring me so much confidence and inspire me to be more. You keep my feet on the ground but you give me wings at the same time so I believe in anything. You teach me about the world in your way and I follow the direction of your guide as you lead us onwards. You look out for me and keep me safe. In any given moment I can smile upon a moment of thinking about you. You understand me and constantly surprise me. You make me want more from life and to share it with you. You have captured my heart and take on the lead as my protector and confidant. You hold me up when the world falls apart and you keep me laughing when I feel sad. You make me want to explore and experience new things. You keep me in a world that is magical and mystical, where you lead me on adventures. You drive me crazy and make me insane but with you I second guess myself less.

You show me what real strength is and you make me feel more so every day. You hold me up against the world telling it where to go and give me hope that the future can be brighter than I’ve ever thought. You make days seem longer when I am with you and the nights spent in your arms are a treasure. The warmth from your embrace is enough to set my heart to calm or on fire depending on the mood. You never make me doubt the depth of your feelings and you are consistently there in whatever way is needed. You are my rock and you understand almost every part of my heart, soul and body. You keep me on a course of heading straight ahead with expanding myself where possible.

And you take me to new places, to expand my mind and give me adventures. You talk me through my fears and help me reach an understanding of myself, of what’s below the surface. You take me a place where heaven is almost real and I feel this undying burst of love and passion. You help me see the universe in a whole new light. You see me as this beautiful creature and it makes me beam, how your eyes set their aim at me and I see the softness they contain meant just for me. The way you touch me with gentle care and the small things that make me fall even further in love with you. You have given me your time, your patience and your love and spent the last twelve months with me anyway you can. You keep me believing in myself, the world and most importantly you and us.

 

Take My Hand

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Take my hand and let me lead us together toward the future, Let me chart this course for us and take charge for this moment in time. Hold my hand and grip it tightly as we move onto this adventure together. I’ll take us through the sunlight and past the dazzling moonlight. Hold me in your arms as we dance in that moonlight and fall asleep next to each other. We’ll wake up with the sun in our eyes and take on all the challenges that a day can bring. We’ll walk into each day being inspired by the sunshine and each other. We’ll fall more in love with each other and develop a deeper connection. But sometimes I’ll want you to take the reins and change the direction we are headed in slightly. Let’s take on adventures that both of us know will make us stronger and happier with ourselves.

Take my hand and we’ll wander the world together, take to the roads and travel as far as the horizon. The sun in the sky as we travel by day and the moon and stars by night. We’ll stop when the need arises and explore the landscape around us, the sun guiding the direction we take and sleep in the back of a car or cheap motels. We’ll take on the world and break the rules to live life on our own terms. We’ll chase the rainbows or change the direction as we see fit. We’ll make this corner of the world our personal playground and conquer the land for a small amount of time.

Take my hand, you’ve changed my life and I don’t want that to ever stop. I want to keep on this road with you and take on all the challenges as the two of us. I want every day to start with you and to feel like anything is possible. With my hand in yours it feels as though we already have. With my hand in your hand you have taken my heart with it and I will follow you as you follow me to whatever our future holds.

Toxic

And why should I even care any more, you selfish person. It was always about you and everything to do with you. You complained for over an hour on the phone and I allowed it. Why do I let this bother my heart so and bring me to a place unsettled? I have more peace in my life now without you and that’s a true blessing. I wasn’t ready for things that you wanted to push forward but you made it seem important. Honestly my life is better without your toxicity and your anxiety seeming to override mine. I have enough trouble with my own, I can’t take yours on board and don’t demand I help you, that I need to do so. That is wrong and partly why I ran. I’m not all right I know but the point came and somehow you took a maybe to mean I promise. How I really don’t know. Maybe is not a yes, it means this could or not be. Don’t put all faith in one person or believe that they will somehow understand another person’s point of view. That’s what this has taught me. That some people are only in it for themselves and can’t recognise something that not everything goes your way all the time. Some people push you because they sense your giving heart and honest soul. They use their goodness and kindness to reach their own purpose. I won’t be mistaken again or fall for the tricks. I am thankful for the lesson this has brought and the gift of time to heel. I won’t let it define me but rather use it to discover the people that are real and won’t hurt or destroy my soul like you did. I am at a point in my life where I just want people and to be content with what I have. Perhaps that isn’t so for you and I pray you’ll find it one day. I won’t wish you pain or horror but karma is a funny thing and I imagine it’ll catch up with you. In your mind you believe it always has to be your way but that’s not how the world works.

However the lingering of almost three years is still on my mind and heart and I anticipate there will be future moments where we will be in the same area but I promise I will leave you alone but you may do the opposite. You may seek me out for some sort of resolution or gossip about me to others and with that behaviour what does that say about your character? You haunt me with the possibility of future attacks but it won’t stop me moving forward or living my life. It is building strength within me that eventually you won’t occupy a single thought. Sometimes people are only brought together for no more than lessons and it is clear you were so for me. I could name all your flaws and compare the ways I am better but why should I expel that energy on you and lower myself to your level. Your life is not mine and no longer will they intertwine for you’ve proven your immaturity and inability to react to others in a positive and productive manner. And now I know that one day I will only consider you as part of my past and the lesson that sometimes friendships are toxic and this one was so. We may never cross the same path in the same way again and I am grateful for that, for you have shown me what I truly appreciate and what qualities I seek in true friendships.

 

 

Compare

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Sitting here I somehow begin those comparisons, the ones I used to do with those around me; those skinner than me and those that have more than I do. Yet I am content with how my life is currently going for the most part. There are areas I could improve upon and others I need to think about but the future scares me. How I reached thirty years old without having achieved so much I don’t really understand other than to say that I must’ve runaway from so much in my life. I’ve been in denial and hid myself from what I really actually want.

I’ve fallen backwards recently somehow believing that the future will just be there and that it’ll all work itself out and yet maybe I should have some hand in it. There are things I somehow expect to happen and others that I’ve mistakenly fallen apart from. I’ve gained back the weight I’ve lost in recent years and that makes me feel like throwing myself back in bed and hiding and not eating a thing until it disappears by itself which is insane and I know it. But I’ve lost some of the support I once had and now I’m on my own and clearly that is just not working anymore. I try to stick to a gym routine but maybe I’m alone but I simply get bored being there, I must be the kind of person that needs someone else to tell me how to do an exercise and which one to do as my mind just wanders otherwise.

But then the little things throw me, the crap that is now ingrained in my car that I waited too long to deal with and now will be a constant reminder of the mistake and my lack of time and organisational skills. The fact this makes me want to buy a new car when mechanically all is still sound and it’s just the appearance that is imperfect. I pride myself on some sort of perfection when internally I am anything but, I am a messed up, confused woman who still feels like she’s only a teenager.  I can’t explain sometimes the thoughts that run through my head and the impulse that makes me want to run. The need to see the best of myself in comparison to others is soaked under the skin and stuck to every cell in my body which is ridiculously crazy and insane.

I’ll forever wonder if I’m good enough for all I am, all I want to be. If everything is enough for someone out there and then in a moment I just won’t care. I’ll find some strength to say I honestly just don’t give a fuck anymore, that everything I am is because this is how I was meant to be and this feeling of being inadequate is simply a part of that. It’s a moment in time that’s meant to teach me and help me learn and grow. It’s the process I’m going through that brings me to these moments of perfect clarity to help me seek what it all means, what everything truly means and to discover that those people I compare myself to are not perfect by any means and have flaws too. Even perhaps that they see things in me that they envy and compare themselves to.

Thirty

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So this is thirty, it always seemed so far away and now this is the year. The clock ticked over to another year around the sun and now my age begins with a three. A new decade arrived with hope and promise of wonderful things. A decade where my mind is right and the path before me is unfolding a day at a time. Thirty brings with it confidence and hope. The light of love shining on me as I journey into this journey into this decade with well-known eyes. I start this next circle around the sun with the expectation that anything is possible and with the knowledge that I’ve fallen in the past but always managed to pick myself up. I have the strength within myself to overcome any obstacles that present themselves and the past proves this tenfold.

In a life that has spaned three decades there have been many challenging moments and these may seem to continue. I have allowed fear to control most of my life and somehow reached this age without having achieved some of my dreams. But in other ways there are other dreams that have presented themselves that I didn’t even realise I wanted. I guarded my heart for so long that having those walls finally broken feels like a relief and an explosion. It took twenty nine years for someone to climb those walls and be stubborn enough to stick it out when I looked the other way. As I entered this fourth decade of my life with him and the knowledge that he has me in his heart and I have him in mine. There’s still an underlying fear that nothing about the future can be planned completely perfect and in some ways I am still clinging to that need to be perfect.

Thirty has so far brought with it the realisation that everything I want to be I already am, I am contented with what I have and what I seek is attainable. There is still hard work along the way but I’m not afraid of getting my hands dirty or falling and needing to pull myself back up. I’ve done it before and it’s only given me strength and wisdom. I have pushed through so many challenges, I’ve overcome hurdles I never believed I ever could and I’ve reached this point where things are mostly ok. I am able to laugh at myself now and I can see things from different points of view. I’ve learnt to be myself and that it’s ok I’m not a supermodel as my heart is pure and honest.

But thirty makes me everything clear, how fragile time and life are. That as every day is a gift time is also running out, that this may the decade that my consistency may change. I may take on new steps as marriage and children loom ahead of me. However this is the time for me to discover things about myself, to delve deeper and find out more about what makes me tick while my values and instincts stay intact. I’m nervous and excited to see what this decade brings.

I just cannot explain how the words disappear from my mind. How I’d just prefer to listen to you talk. To quiet my mind and not let the thoughts overrun me. How I seek consistency and a life where insomnia doesn’t sneak in to destroy my nights. How words used to be my friend on the page but no longer flow from my mind. How the world used to seem different somehow and the success I achieved meant more. I can’t explain all the fear that comes from a single thought or the thought before I try to sleep that I must go to the bathroom just one more time. I wish the words would come to mind and the inspiration to strike.

Today was a day I could’ve done without; a public holiday that brought with it an early wake up call from a sore neck and a morning begun with a headache and inability to fall back asleep. The dizziness last night meant I turned in early but today should’ve been skipped. And then the tears on the phone call I should’ve just kept waiting for. The realisation that I’ll never be perfect, that I’m not normal in my reactions and I honestly don’t know why. A lot of the time I just don’t know why I am the way I am. I just cannot explain it, perhaps it’s denial or simply I wasn’t aware. Or have I buried it so far beneath my subconscious I didn’t realise it’d bite me in the arse one day.

Half the time I have nothing interesting to say, and have no opinions so I stay silent cause if I speak I’m wrong or cause an argument and I hate when people raise their voices. The shock of the loud noise and disturbance. I crave the silent moments and I hate confrontation but has that left me just somewhat lonely and unable to truly feel connections and moments. Or truly listen to to others. Has the way of the world made it impossible for me to concentrate on one thing at once. Always wanting the next thing now but not wanting to rush the next step. I know it’s weird for a thirty year old to still be living at home but I’m complex and never have I had the thought or need to leave home.

And as I ramble all this down, I know this is just a moment of my thoughts, a moment of time where life isn’t what I think it should be. It could be worse and we reach each day in a different mood. Today should just be gone and erased for bringing reality to my fantasy. I am aware I live in a dream world but the world is a scary place and it keeps me safe. But I’m unable to explain the words, the fear, the insecurity contained in me. I may be thirty chronologically but somewhere along the way I missed vital steps and I’m not actually how a thirty year old should be.

Explosions

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There are three sides to a story, her story, mine and the truth. I’m not innocent of what happened but neither is she. In what way does maybe, I need to check mean it’s a promise and it reaches the point where she gets so angry as I promised her this thing when I swear there’s no way that maybe could mean it’s a definite yes. And then she runs through a list of taunts and threats, and public bashing about me. I resisted that need and instead I kept the reaction to a small immediate group and never attempted to ruin her reputation. Perhaps there’s a level of maturity that I’ve accumulated and she is reacting to the immediate situation rather than seeing it in the mature light. I must admit that when she threatened with legal action I was shaking but after consulting others it would seem that this would be trivial to the police and the courts would never take it on. However the truth is I am a little rocked by this revelation and how she went off at the people in my life and one conversation where she believed she was talking to my father and ranted to him about me being with my boyfriend under his roof, I mean really in what way would that matter; she clearly has no idea the relationship I have with both my father and my boyfriend and in what way is that her concern.

And I’ve had situations in the past where other people have reacted to me but this seems somewhat different as I thought I had finally reached a point where people had reached a level of maturity and were willing to work through things in a mature manner and not resort to immature childish tactics to get their way. Having a friendship dissolve over time is one thing but to have it done by explosive means is another, it’s she who chose it to end. I never resorted to swearing as a means of frustration and to get my way. But then I have this thing where I actually care what people think about me and I go out of my way to treat them in a decent manner. But she used that as a means to push me over, to knock my stable ground away from me. But anyone who truly knows me knows that the things I’m saying are true and I’ve reached a point where she cannot ruin that about me in the eyes of others, but I still have an uncertainty that she’ll try.

In many ways I am seeing in her a new light, and myself in a new light too. All of this made me question my character and then realise who really care about me and who will always be there for me. She brought to the forefront certain characteristics of herself that I had once overlooked and now see as flaws of her behaviour. And I may be guilty of comparing the two of us and knowing I’ve come out on top in that situation which makes me feel immense blame that I was able to do so. But anyone whose causes me to question my character and doesn’t realise the honest nature of my heart is not worth my time any longer. I’m far too old to need to reassurance from someone who seems to have a one sided view of what friendship is. I am a people pleaser and I like helping others but only to a point and it seems she may have reached that point, however I am not prepared to give a second chance this time, once someone takes the wrong road with me. I live my life in such a way that people genuinely know the truth about me and trust that I am honest with the most important things.

And I won’t let her ruin my life with the little doubts she has created within me, she has no true impact on my everyday life and in time she will simply become a small blip on the radar, merely a lesson to learn from and move on from.

Jamaican Sunrise

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Six days of paradise by a sparkling beach with waves that crash upon the golden shore, music setting the scene. A truly wonderful way to start the beginning of this year, after so much stress and tension up to the flight it was an amazing escape to have this time out and not worry about a single thing back home. The brilliant colours that settled on the horizon upon the setting of the sun brought about the realisation of thankfulness. That there were times I’d thought this was simply just a dream. The time standing on the sand, jumping to the beat of each song from my favourite band as the night wore on. Who could dream of much better than that?

This was a place where dreams come true, the magic fills the air with hope, adventure and miracles. Watching the sun rise on this Jamaican beach brings upon a sense of peace. The feeling that nothing matters beyond the here and now. The colour filling the sky brings the world into focus bringing the potential of anything with it. There’s a nature of relaxation hanging in the air that all become aware of. The atmosphere of fun runs through the rising of the sun engulfing the day with peace and hope. Anything seems possible and moments like these live in our hearts. We stay with our dreams and we let them become real. In this place it feels like we can soar above the sky, we can climb mountains and be anyone we want. The music makes us high and the feeling of

Paradise revealed to one who dreams, one who believes and follows. The magic of a beat that lives in the heart of the truth. A moment of time where reality is a beach, a pool, a stage and music. An island where the colour bleeds in our eyes and the music flows through our veins. The sea air is our life force encouraging us to continue on, to believe in the dreams and the hopes we hold so deep inside. The sand between our toes makes all seem so small and all possible. We float on a cloud of dreams and possibility where the sun is the correct heat and no chill of cold creeps upon our veins. Only the Goosebumps from the sound affect us. We feel the beat that leads us on to our destiny.

It’s the music that calls to us, to help us believe in anything and everything. It’s the atmosphere that takes us higher, it’s the hype that makes it all worth it and the memories that live forever within us and the fact that some of flew literally flew half way around the world to experience this and it’s better than we ever dreamed. The peace and serenity that drifts off the ocean onto the shore allowing one to take a deep breath and be at once with their own inner being and in touch with the music of the heart.