(Warning: Explicit Word Ahead Used)
Sitting here I somehow begin those comparisons, the ones I used to do with those around me; those skinner than me and those that have more than I do. Yet I am content with how my life is currently going for the most part. There are areas I could improve upon and others I need to think about but the future scares me. How I reached thirty years old without having achieved so much I don’t really understand other than to say that I must’ve runaway from so much in my life. I’ve been in denial and hid myself from what I really actually want.
I’ve fallen backwards recently somehow believing that the future will just be there and that it’ll all work itself out and yet maybe I should have some hand in it. There are things I somehow expect to happen and others that I’ve mistakenly fallen apart from. I’ve gained back the weight I’ve lost in recent years and that makes me feel like throwing myself back in bed and hiding and not eating a thing until it disappears by itself which is insane and I know it. But I’ve lost some of the support I once had and now I’m on my own and clearly that is just not working anymore. I try to stick to a gym routine but maybe I’m alone but I simply get bored being there, I must be the kind of person that needs someone else to tell me how to do an exercise and which one to do as my mind just wanders otherwise.
But then the little things throw me, the crap that is now ingrained in my car that I waited too long to deal with and now will be a constant reminder of the mistake and my lack of time and organisational skills. The fact this makes me want to buy a new car when mechanically all is still sound and it’s just the appearance that is imperfect. I pride myself on some sort of perfection when internally I am anything but, I am a messed up, confused woman who still feels like she’s only a teenager. I can’t explain sometimes the thoughts that run through my head and the impulse that makes me want to run. The need to see the best of myself in comparison to others is soaked under the skin and stuck to every cell in my body which is ridiculously crazy and insane.
I’ll forever wonder if I’m good enough for all I am, all I want to be. If everything is enough for someone out there and then in a moment I just won’t care. I’ll find some strength to say I honestly just don’t give a fuck anymore, that everything I am is because this is how I was meant to be and this feeling of being inadequate is simply a part of that. It’s a moment in time that’s meant to teach me and help me learn and grow. It’s the process I’m going through that brings me to these moments of perfect clarity to help me seek what it all means, what everything truly means and to discover that those people I compare myself to are not perfect by any means and have flaws too. Even perhaps that they see things in me that they envy and compare themselves to.
So this is thirty, it always seemed so far away and now this is the year. The clock ticked over to another year around the sun and now my age begins with a three. A new decade arrived with hope and promise of wonderful things. A decade where my mind is right and the path before me is unfolding a day at a time. Thirty brings with it confidence and hope. The light of love shining on me as I journey into this journey into this decade with well-known eyes. I start this next circle around the sun with the expectation that anything is possible and with the knowledge that I’ve fallen in the past but always managed to pick myself up. I have the strength within myself to overcome any obstacles that present themselves and the past proves this tenfold.
In a life that has spaned three decades there have been many challenging moments and these may seem to continue. I have allowed fear to control most of my life and somehow reached this age without having achieved some of my dreams. But in other ways there are other dreams that have presented themselves that I didn’t even realise I wanted. I guarded my heart for so long that having those walls finally broken feels like a relief and an explosion. It took twenty nine years for someone to climb those walls and be stubborn enough to stick it out when I looked the other way. As I entered this fourth decade of my life with him and the knowledge that he has me in his heart and I have him in mine. There’s still an underlying fear that nothing about the future can be planned completely perfect and in some ways I am still clinging to that need to be perfect.
Thirty has so far brought with it the realisation that everything I want to be I already am, I am contented with what I have and what I seek is attainable. There is still hard work along the way but I’m not afraid of getting my hands dirty or falling and needing to pull myself back up. I’ve done it before and it’s only given me strength and wisdom. I have pushed through so many challenges, I’ve overcome hurdles I never believed I ever could and I’ve reached this point where things are mostly ok. I am able to laugh at myself now and I can see things from different points of view. I’ve learnt to be myself and that it’s ok I’m not a supermodel as my heart is pure and honest.
But thirty makes me everything clear, how fragile time and life are. That as every day is a gift time is also running out, that this may the decade that my consistency may change. I may take on new steps as marriage and children loom ahead of me. However this is the time for me to discover things about myself, to delve deeper and find out more about what makes me tick while my values and instincts stay intact. I’m nervous and excited to see what this decade brings.
I just cannot explain how the words disappear from my mind. How I’d just prefer to listen to you talk. To quiet my mind and not let the thoughts overrun me. How I seek consistency and a life where insomnia doesn’t sneak in to destroy my nights. How words used to be my friend on the page but no longer flow from my mind. How the world used to seem different somehow and the success I achieved meant more. I can’t explain all the fear that comes from a single thought or the thought before I try to sleep that I must go to the bathroom just one more time. I wish the words would come to mind and the inspiration to strike.
Today was a day I could’ve done without; a public holiday that brought with it an early wake up call from a sore neck and a morning begun with a headache and inability to fall back asleep. The dizziness last night meant I turned in early but today should’ve been skipped. And then the tears on the phone call I should’ve just kept waiting for. The realisation that I’ll never be perfect, that I’m not normal in my reactions and I honestly don’t know why. A lot of the time I just don’t know why I am the way I am. I just cannot explain it, perhaps it’s denial or simply I wasn’t aware. Or have I buried it so far beneath my subconscious I didn’t realise it’d bite me in the arse one day.
Half the time I have nothing interesting to say, and have no opinions so I stay silent cause if I speak I’m wrong or cause an argument and I hate when people raise their voices. The shock of the loud noise and disturbance. I crave the silent moments and I hate confrontation but has that left me just somewhat lonely and unable to truly feel connections and moments. Or truly listen to to others. Has the way of the world made it impossible for me to concentrate on one thing at once. Always wanting the next thing now but not wanting to rush the next step. I know it’s weird for a thirty year old to still be living at home but I’m complex and never have I had the thought or need to leave home.
And as I ramble all this down, I know this is just a moment of my thoughts, a moment of time where life isn’t what I think it should be. It could be worse and we reach each day in a different mood. Today should just be gone and erased for bringing reality to my fantasy. I am aware I live in a dream world but the world is a scary place and it keeps me safe. But I’m unable to explain the words, the fear, the insecurity contained in me. I may be thirty chronologically but somewhere along the way I missed vital steps and I’m not actually how a thirty year old should be.
There are three sides to a story, her story, mine and the truth. I’m not innocent of what happened but neither is she. In what way does maybe, I need to check mean it’s a promise and it reaches the point where she gets so angry as I promised her this thing when I swear there’s no way that maybe could mean it’s a definite yes. And then she runs through a list of taunts and threats, and public bashing about me. I resisted that need and instead I kept the reaction to a small immediate group and never attempted to ruin her reputation. Perhaps there’s a level of maturity that I’ve accumulated and she is reacting to the immediate situation rather than seeing it in the mature light. I must admit that when she threatened with legal action I was shaking but after consulting others it would seem that this would be trivial to the police and the courts would never take it on. However the truth is I am a little rocked by this revelation and how she went off at the people in my life and one conversation where she believed she was talking to my father and ranted to him about me being with my boyfriend under his roof, I mean really in what way would that matter; she clearly has no idea the relationship I have with both my father and my boyfriend and in what way is that her concern.
And I’ve had situations in the past where other people have reacted to me but this seems somewhat different as I thought I had finally reached a point where people had reached a level of maturity and were willing to work through things in a mature manner and not resort to immature childish tactics to get their way. Having a friendship dissolve over time is one thing but to have it done by explosive means is another, it’s she who chose it to end. I never resorted to swearing as a means of frustration and to get my way. But then I have this thing where I actually care what people think about me and I go out of my way to treat them in a decent manner. But she used that as a means to push me over, to knock my stable ground away from me. But anyone who truly knows me knows that the things I’m saying are true and I’ve reached a point where she cannot ruin that about me in the eyes of others, but I still have an uncertainty that she’ll try.
In many ways I am seeing in her a new light, and myself in a new light too. All of this made me question my character and then realise who really care about me and who will always be there for me. She brought to the forefront certain characteristics of herself that I had once overlooked and now see as flaws of her behaviour. And I may be guilty of comparing the two of us and knowing I’ve come out on top in that situation which makes me feel immense blame that I was able to do so. But anyone whose causes me to question my character and doesn’t realise the honest nature of my heart is not worth my time any longer. I’m far too old to need to reassurance from someone who seems to have a one sided view of what friendship is. I am a people pleaser and I like helping others but only to a point and it seems she may have reached that point, however I am not prepared to give a second chance this time, once someone takes the wrong road with me. I live my life in such a way that people genuinely know the truth about me and trust that I am honest with the most important things.
And I won’t let her ruin my life with the little doubts she has created within me, she has no true impact on my everyday life and in time she will simply become a small blip on the radar, merely a lesson to learn from and move on from.
Six days of paradise by a sparkling beach with waves that crash upon the golden shore, music setting the scene. A truly wonderful way to start the beginning of this year, after so much stress and tension up to the flight it was an amazing escape to have this time out and not worry about a single thing back home. The brilliant colours that settled on the horizon upon the setting of the sun brought about the realisation of thankfulness. That there were times I’d thought this was simply just a dream. The time standing on the sand, jumping to the beat of each song from my favourite band as the night wore on. Who could dream of much better than that?
This was a place where dreams come true, the magic fills the air with hope, adventure and miracles. Watching the sun rise on this Jamaican beach brings upon a sense of peace. The feeling that nothing matters beyond the here and now. The colour filling the sky brings the world into focus bringing the potential of anything with it. There’s a nature of relaxation hanging in the air that all become aware of. The atmosphere of fun runs through the rising of the sun engulfing the day with peace and hope. Anything seems possible and moments like these live in our hearts. We stay with our dreams and we let them become real. In this place it feels like we can soar above the sky, we can climb mountains and be anyone we want. The music makes us high and the feeling of
Paradise revealed to one who dreams, one who believes and follows. The magic of a beat that lives in the heart of the truth. A moment of time where reality is a beach, a pool, a stage and music. An island where the colour bleeds in our eyes and the music flows through our veins. The sea air is our life force encouraging us to continue on, to believe in the dreams and the hopes we hold so deep inside. The sand between our toes makes all seem so small and all possible. We float on a cloud of dreams and possibility where the sun is the correct heat and no chill of cold creeps upon our veins. Only the Goosebumps from the sound affect us. We feel the beat that leads us on to our destiny.
It’s the music that calls to us, to help us believe in anything and everything. It’s the atmosphere that takes us higher, it’s the hype that makes it all worth it and the memories that live forever within us and the fact that some of flew literally flew half way around the world to experience this and it’s better than we ever dreamed. The peace and serenity that drifts off the ocean onto the shore allowing one to take a deep breath and be at once with their own inner being and in touch with the music of the heart.
And I tell myself I want some time for myself but you just come back to my mind and then when I persist I simply feel like crying. I feel like I can’t form the words to say, I know how you feel about me and how I believe I feel about you but when there’s a desire to want something and you don’t seem to want it I wonder what’s the point? You’re too tired or sleeping the day away without a single word to me. There are amazing moments we have shared and I don’t want this to end but at some point I get so frustrated with how this is going and I’m sure you can sense my silences and are either waiting for some way to say something or waiting for me to bring it up but I’m just lost right now. And now I have nothing to seem to say on the phone calls we share, you always take on the lead and talk about your interests. It seems to me that you’re set in your own ways and I can’t bring myself to change the balance and I doubt myself in many ways.
I suppose what this thing is becoming is bringing me some anxiety and I’ve had way too much of that in recent weeks. But how can I tell you that most days I just feel like crying and I simply want you to hold me without my having to ask. But you’re busy and I understand that and I’m not used to anything like this, it’s still new to me. This is only 7 months and while I don’t have any plans to say let’s break up I feel like I’m missing something still. I feel like I give and give without anything in return, It’s always what you want to watch on the TV or on your terms and it bothers me but if I bring it up it’ll come across as some foreign language. And instead of arguing with you I just surrender because I never win with you (or you never let me win) so what’s the damn point in even trying. I’m only failing in something even more with you but I can’t bring myself to say it.
I try to make myself leave time without you, without any communication but you’re so ingrained in my heart that I fail, I just want you near me. Yet you don’t seem to sense it not that I’m succeeding in anyway because I’m not communicating and I’ve had these thoughts in the past so I’m surprised why you’re still around and not trying to cut the chord with me. I mean we have almost nothing in common and makes me wonder what will keep us together if we continue on a future path. There are things I’d like in my future but neither of us can plan that far ahead or predict what’ll happen and there’s so much fear surrounding my heart and you.
Am I simply too emotional to think straight about everything right now and maybe my words need to be written to you in some sort of order to get things out of my head and heart in an order to sort through them all. But it’s not something I could do over the phone, but then I freeze up when I’m standing in front of you. For someone who supposedly reads me so well, do you not sense that there’s something bubbling inside me about us or are you just waiting for me to say something? There’s only so much you can help me through when I can’t bring myself to challenge these fears and thoughts contained in my heart and the reasons I feel like crying all the time.
It all becomes too much and I just fall into the welcoming darkness where my thoughts are dark and negativity takes hold. There’s too much to do and the things I want to achieve are harder when I talk myself out of them and give in to lack of motivation. And I can feel myself slipping into depression. I don’t seem to enjoy much about life anymore. It’s all structured in my mind like a timetable or roster and it’s driving me crazy. Things need to be done at a certain time by a certain time and it’s frustrating. Work is becoming harder and there’s no time for all this extra stuff they want and expect. I agreed another day but I’m already regretting it. I try to please people and the word No seems defunct to me. I need everything organised and perfect or I feel the world slip around me. My thoughts drive me insane, I know they are not everything but they have such an impact on me.
That morning I felt it all, the impressions I have on myself, the expectations I put upon myself and I just simply slipped; down to the welcoming darkness and I honestly could’ve simply stayed there wallowing in the dark fear the surrounds my soul. When everything becomes too much and it just seems like fighting is far too much to do right now. When the darkness wants me to be sad, to cry about something and overthink something from several years ago. The day wears on me and I want everything to end, to just let someone else take control of every little action I have to do for a day, week or month. To take that pressure of me to be more than laying here thinking about nothing.
And yet I’m still having troubles with sleeping at night; I want to blame the hot summer nights but I know it’s more than that, it’s my overactive brain stressing over every little thing and not being able to relax for long enough to let me fall asleep for how long I need. There’s a dark place welcoming me every time I close my eyes that brings up the ways the light resists me. The dark place is always around, there’s always a piece of it inside me. I am strong enough to pull myself out of it eventually but often at points it feels like this state of being depressed cripples every part of the lightness that envelopes me.
In your eyes I see the way you see me, you see my flaws and strengths but it’s my heart you hold in those eyes. It’s in the way you hold my hand and take mine willingly when I offer it and the way you kiss my forehead. The tender moments we share, when our eyes pass their secrets. I get a feeling when I think of you that there’s magic at play. And all I want is to be near you, to hear your voice and feel your hand in mine. I want to fall asleep in your arms and be awoken by your kiss. The butterflies still rumble in my stomach when I think of you and when I’m with you time seems to last forever.
I feel all these feelings rushing through my heart and a single thought of you makes my face light up with a smile. I like the way I feel safe in your arms and you see my soul as something truly special. How you tickle me to make me laugh and smile when something serious has taken over my mind. I like how you talk to me about things that are on my mind and the things that you love. How you hold me in your arms and the sound of your heartbeat. How you can tell when something is beginning to stress me out or occupy my thoughts.
I love how you talk to me as you realise that little things can turn my entire my world upside down, how you never give up on me and the patience you show me when I get overly emotional or my crazy comes on. How you I like how honest you are with me; that you take the time to explain things to me when I don’t understand and how you’ve surprised me with flowers. How your smile is filled with sunshine when you look at me. Your eyes let me into a part of your soul, deep into the true essence of who you are and what you believe. I see the softness they contain and I long to complete the sweetness within them.
In your eyes I can see hope for the future. I can see how you seek for dreams to be unfolded and how your mind is seeking best outcomes and thinking of me. In those perfect eyes I see my reflection and the way you see me, I see myself looking at you and my gaze upon you. At times when our eyes lock it feels like there’s a magic in the air connecting both of us for an eternity unknown. Our souls join as our eyes share their secrets and in your soul I see the man that has captured my heart, the man that has helped me on this unravelling journey. The one that loves me with a single look from his eyes.
I want to stand next to you as the sunlight fades, to feel our hands entwine. To watch a sunset by your side. I want to feel my heart pound when you look at me in that way that says I’m special to you. To feel that calm wash over me as you talk me down from a mountain I’ve climbed. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to you watching me as you stroke my hair. I want to see the smile on your face when you think of me and I want to be held tightly while I cry, with kisses on my forehead in such a protective way. I want to be brave and take on new steps but I want to be safe and right too. I want you to follow your dreams and be happy while I find mine too. I want to just spend time with you, talking, cuddling, kissing or holding hands. You make me feel safe and challenge me too. I want to feel the epicness on a smaller scale and be rewarded with security. I want to keep this feeling of giggles I get when you call me beautiful or say “I love you” it all means something I dreamt of and some sort of fairy-tale.
I want the traditional kind of things, the love letters and romance. I want to feel like a woman and I want to be able to acknowledge the things I want with you, right at this moment and into the future. I want to see you, hear your voice and hold your hand. I want to know this is what you believe in and want. Because somehow I want to rid myself of my fear and jump head first. I want to experience it all but I want a lifetime of memories and moments to cherish. I want you to know that sometimes I get angry with you and it means something, when you seem to slip away from me and all I can do is wonder. I want you to know that it hurts that sometimes I feel less important, that things seem to be running on your schedule. That sometimes I want to scream at you and take my frustrations out on you but I don’t want to begin an argument or admit that sometimes it hard to see a common interest between us.
I want you to know that every day I do fall a little bit more in love with you even though you drive me crazy sometimes too. But the love is real and it envelops me in this safe cocoon that makes me feel like I can do anything. I want to spend my days with you forever more and be able to tell the world that I love you so. That you’ve taken me on a journey to discover new things and helped me to explore new fragments of my mind, body and soul. I want to spend time with you in a variety of ways, whether it’s a movie or some sort of outing but I love the times we just sit and cuddle and you end up tickling me. I love how you can change my mind from such a serious mood to one of laughter and hilarity and how you can tell when I’m beginning a downward spiral. I simply love you for all of you. I love you for every little surprise you’ve done to make me smile and every tear you’ve helped to dry. I love you for holding me tight when the night seems like it’ll never end, when shadows take hold of my mind and you make it seem easier. You talk me down from a metaphorical edge of a cliff and help me reason why I’m about to jump off.
I want to spend my time with you, I’ve fallen for you and I have no intention of stopping this fall. I may not be able to tell the completeness of how you love me or I you but I am thankful for it. That you have given me something I dearly wanted; the chance to know what love is and how it feels to love and be loved. I want to keep exploring that with you, for you keep me going along this path of life with something close to confidence and hope. You fill me with belief and I want to keep that. I want to keep you, hold you and keep the ability to say the word boyfriend. I love you and that’s a pretty amazing thing.