In your eyes I see the way you see me, you see my flaws and strengths but it’s my heart you hold in those eyes. It’s in the way you hold my hand and take mine willingly when I offer it and the way you kiss my forehead. The tender moments we share, when our eyes pass their secrets. I get a feeling when I think of you that there’s magic at play. And all I want is to be near you, to hear your voice and feel your hand in mine. I want to fall asleep in your arms and be awoken by your kiss. The butterflies still rumble in my stomach when I think of you and when I’m with you time seems to last forever.
I feel all these feelings rushing through my heart and a single thought of you makes my face light up with a smile. I like the way I feel safe in your arms and you see my soul as something truly special. How you tickle me to make me laugh and smile when something serious has taken over my mind. I like how you talk to me about things that are on my mind and the things that you love. How you hold me in your arms and the sound of your heartbeat. How you can tell when something is beginning to stress me out or occupy my thoughts.
I love how you talk to me as you realise that little things can turn my entire my world upside down, how you never give up on me and the patience you show me when I get overly emotional or my crazy comes on. How you I like how honest you are with me; that you take the time to explain things to me when I don’t understand and how you’ve surprised me with flowers. How your smile is filled with sunshine when you look at me. Your eyes let me into a part of your soul, deep into the true essence of who you are and what you believe. I see the softness they contain and I long to complete the sweetness within them.
In your eyes I can see hope for the future. I can see how you seek for dreams to be unfolded and how your mind is seeking best outcomes and thinking of me. In those perfect eyes I see my reflection and the way you see me, I see myself looking at you and my gaze upon you. At times when our eyes lock it feels like there’s a magic in the air connecting both of us for an eternity unknown. Our souls join as our eyes share their secrets and in your soul I see the man that has captured my heart, the man that has helped me on this unravelling journey. The one that loves me with a single look from his eyes.
I want to stand next to you as the sunlight fades, to feel our hands entwine. To watch a sunset by your side. I want to feel my heart pound when you look at me in that way that says I’m special to you. To feel that calm wash over me as you talk me down from a mountain I’ve climbed. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to you watching me as you stroke my hair. I want to see the smile on your face when you think of me and I want to be held tightly while I cry, with kisses on my forehead in such a protective way. I want to be brave and take on new steps but I want to be safe and right too. I want you to follow your dreams and be happy while I find mine too. I want to just spend time with you, talking, cuddling, kissing or holding hands. You make me feel safe and challenge me too. I want to feel the epicness on a smaller scale and be rewarded with security. I want to keep this feeling of giggles I get when you call me beautiful or say “I love you” it all means something I dreamt of and some sort of fairy-tale.
I want the traditional kind of things, the love letters and romance. I want to feel like a woman and I want to be able to acknowledge the things I want with you, right at this moment and into the future. I want to see you, hear your voice and hold your hand. I want to know this is what you believe in and want. Because somehow I want to rid myself of my fear and jump head first. I want to experience it all but I want a lifetime of memories and moments to cherish. I want you to know that sometimes I get angry with you and it means something, when you seem to slip away from me and all I can do is wonder. I want you to know that it hurts that sometimes I feel less important, that things seem to be running on your schedule. That sometimes I want to scream at you and take my frustrations out on you but I don’t want to begin an argument or admit that sometimes it hard to see a common interest between us.
I want you to know that every day I do fall a little bit more in love with you even though you drive me crazy sometimes too. But the love is real and it envelops me in this safe cocoon that makes me feel like I can do anything. I want to spend my days with you forever more and be able to tell the world that I love you so. That you’ve taken me on a journey to discover new things and helped me to explore new fragments of my mind, body and soul. I want to spend time with you in a variety of ways, whether it’s a movie or some sort of outing but I love the times we just sit and cuddle and you end up tickling me. I love how you can change my mind from such a serious mood to one of laughter and hilarity and how you can tell when I’m beginning a downward spiral. I simply love you for all of you. I love you for every little surprise you’ve done to make me smile and every tear you’ve helped to dry. I love you for holding me tight when the night seems like it’ll never end, when shadows take hold of my mind and you make it seem easier. You talk me down from a metaphorical edge of a cliff and help me reason why I’m about to jump off.
I want to spend my time with you, I’ve fallen for you and I have no intention of stopping this fall. I may not be able to tell the completeness of how you love me or I you but I am thankful for it. That you have given me something I dearly wanted; the chance to know what love is and how it feels to love and be loved. I want to keep exploring that with you, for you keep me going along this path of life with something close to confidence and hope. You fill me with belief and I want to keep that. I want to keep you, hold you and keep the ability to say the word boyfriend. I love you and that’s a pretty amazing thing.
When a thought gets stuck in my head it drags me around and all I can do is ponder that or face it head on and confront what brought that feeling up originally. Maybe I’m trying to sense what others think and use my intuition but I can’t read other’s minds. So I need to become more comfortable with direct enquires or not even having the need to question them. And yet I know that I’m more willing to run or fly that stay and fight, the thought runs through my head and I let it stay, I let it take hold and I just want to escape it so build myself up into such a state that it comes out eventually, and usually that is the form of my emotions being out of whack. I cry and I get angry at the smallest things. And still I anticipate it and can’t talk myself down from the ledges I find myself upon.
Every second something could bring me back to the darkness where my mind begins to unravel and surprisingly I don’t spend every second chasing unknown objects down these black holes, I actually have some moments of pure joy and moments I’d want to relive. It just appears that the darkness and thoughts of flight take me so completely over that they seem more immense at times. These dark thoughts and fears that take hold are changing every time. They bubble below the surface and I’d like to think I’m pretty good at hiding them but often that’s another level I’ve built up. I can only hide so much inside.
Some say it’s easy to switch off the thoughts, that relaxation comes at an ease to most but to me there’s always the thoughts, the ones that occupy me and drive me bonkers. I can’t explain what the trigger is, a thought that spirals out of control and lands me in a pool of anxiety. It’s simply just something that works me up in such a way to tear down the carefully constructed walls for a bit but only succeeds with them being rebuilt stronger and with more obstacles to climb. Thoughts are like stones being scattered all around my mind, piling up to form pillars that keep my mind open and aware instead of allowing me to close slam the pillars down and move on from the thoughts.
Some thoughts come and go and others just stay implanted in my mind, ones I ponder and ones I keep on obsessing about. Sometimes it hurts to have these thoughts and possess such emotional connections to all my thoughts. I want to run, I want to fall, I want to make the thoughts stop spinning through my head just long enough to learn how to relax and forget the importance of them. Not all of them need to be on a rung like a ladder, they should simply float through my mind with no intention of remaining ingrained. Come and go without intentions of any sort, just enough time to work through or process their relevance.
If I could look into a crystal ball what magic would it possess? Would it reveal the truth of my future? If what I fear will come to be or my dreams will come to be. I have ideas of what I want to happen in my life and I want to live in this moment but if I don’t prepare for everything ahead something will go wrong. Something will happen that I haven’t even thought of. But at the same time I know I cannot prepare for everything otherwise I’d drive myself crazy. There’s the issue of money for sure and it leaves me drowning in guilt and uncertainty. If I try something for now will it push me in a direction to help the future or leave me without a future to look forward to? I know a crystal ball won’t reveal the way life unfolds. The only path is to visit it in due time.
The future is this wide open landscape just waiting to be explored. It’s a blank canvas eagerly anticipating the colour of a paint of our choosing. It is the thing we have to look forward to and the thing we fear at the same time. There are so many things I want within mine and many more I wish to remain outside the barriers of my future. And yet isn’t it important to live in the moment and take each breath as it is comes for the future is not a guaranteed thing for all of us. It’s this huge immenseness that everyday fills us with hope and fear.
In the future we are all capable of many things and all capable of being everything we want or simply wasting our lives. In my immediate future I’ve got an overseas tripped and my anxiety is sky rocketing, and I’m making all these plans for afterwards with the certain expectation that this trip will be a deadline of sorts, or I’m simply just not good at travelling overseas. But how will my future be any different to now if I don’t take chances or challenge the things that frighten me. Move past the fear of my baggage being lost in some foreign country. There are far worse things that could happen but I’m stuck in this place where I fear it. Where every fear is going into that one concern but yet the challenge will be undertaken and once I return home I’ll be ready for the next adventure or at least grateful for the adventure I’ve been on. I’m capable of getting on the plane and doing this and there’s a level of excitement involved still and I’ve been overseas before but this will be longer and back in time.
How will the crystal ball predict the events for 2017, will it bring success for the adventures and continue to inspire love within me. Will it be a year that take me on a whole new journey to conquering my anxiety and will I be able to get my weight loss back on track. Will it present unexpectedly surprisingly moments that’ll define the year for me. Will it be as tough as this year has been and will it keep enhancing my relationship with my wonderful man? What things will the future bring for 2017 that I haven’t planned already? I have goals I want to achieve and other little things I hope for but all of those will be on hold until after the next adventure. I just have to put my mind onto success and conquer this. I’ve never been good at waiting for things but regret would be far worse. I don’t want my future to be filled with regrets and this moment now will be a single blink in the huge cosmos of the world.
And it makes me question myself, what do I really want with all of this thing called the rest of my life. Am I even aware of everything I am? Everything I could be or am I simply just taking in the ease of laziness and combined with anxiety to cause this frustrating overwhelm of control. I wonder if it’s really me this person I project to the world. Or is this the person I have just become due to all the factors around my life so far? Is this the person I was destined to be or did destiny change the fates over time. Was I meant to follow a somewhat different path or is the way it was always supposed to go? Was I always meant to question every little step or is this going to lead something else entirely. A discovery of some sort could be my legacy but is the path I’m working on leading me towards that?
I always believed that I was meant to do or be something before I found real love and that belief stuck with me but even now I’m not sure if this current path is the one that’ll help me keep him or if I’m at risk at destroying what this is. It’s been five months so far and every so often I find myself questioning what it all means, how he could see me this certain way and how he could see something deep within me that he wanted to be a part of. Perhaps I’m just not used to people being around or it’s just me questioning myself deep inside. Even through daily hurdles it’s hard for me to think there’s people I can trust beyond those in the immediate circle. It’s a process isn’t it? This belief in oneself and the people surrounding us.
Every day seems to bring within itself another set of questions that add up to more from the previous one. These run over and over in my head and I wonder what it all means. These are questions I need to discover the answers to? Ones that will keep popping up in my life until they are somehow solved or at least worked through. Every question has a reason for its existence and somehow this means it needs to be a part of our thoughts. Questions are sometimes easy to be answered and at other times it takes us on an even longer journey to discover a deeper meaning behind these questions.
And I wonder about all these people that occupy my life, they bring a reason with them I’m sure. Some are for lessons and others are to leave the imprint on our heart. And perhaps I’m scared that I’ll hold onto the wrong ones and let the right ones slip by. That my life is simply about lessons and not about keeping those I love around me. I wonder if the purpose of my life is to just be here, to support others and encourage them to seek their dreams while mine maybe just become dust. Or am I simply not aware of the dreams unfolding already for me. I’m still expecting the challenges and unable to acknowledge the good things that are happening right now. But then I wonder that if this the perfection I sought then does that mean I’m going to expect a downfall.
All the numbers are is an indication, tracking progress yet we make a big importance upon them. We are more than numbers but we struggle to believe that. This morning I had those thoughts that I wasn’t beautiful, that the numbers defined me and that was all I could be, numbers were my core and the everything. But I let those thoughts take hold and turn my mind into a spin. I let myself be taken in by all the negativity instead of remembering all the good and positive things. I am and can be. I am not the numbers, or words of another. I am learning to appreciate all of me, the flaws, imperfections and all the ways in which I have grown. I am not perfect and I won’t claim to be but I am not the numbers either. I am a soul in a world that’s still evolving, a world that is based upon numbers. That revolves around them and is intent on bringing people down and destroying them. Filling their heads with negativity and sadness.
It’s simply a moment to take to be all together and not let the numbers take you over. Be more than a number in someone’s life. To stand tall against odds and not be susceptible to all the negative energy. This morning was a time that I felt quite low, where I could’ve easily surrendered and made the day a write off, but somehow I got through it and found a way to be able to salvage the day. But moments seem to ping together, the dark thoughts bring upon an incline that is easy to stumble down and easy to succumb to. But thoughts are simply that thoughts, my reaction to some event that triggers a past memory or fear within me. I always expect the worst in most situation, I like to stay within my comfort circle, to keep what I know as the most important thing for every time I’ve tried to step outside I’ve either failed or it’s taken me a hell of a long time to reach it.
Things run through my head and numbers seem like such an important factor, the number on that scale, the number of things we own. The age at which we do certain things; walk, talk, drive, graduate, date, marry and have children. I should instead be of focusing on the numbers that truly matter, the number of feelings that consume my soul and the numbers that I lose track of, the amount of hugs from my loved ones or smiles from the little ones I care for. All numbers are is just that, numbers. A group or collection of something. As humans we have ten fingers and ten toes and that only seems to be a thing upon our birth unless something befalls us during our life to decrease the number. Maybe I don’t seem to appreciate the things I actually have until they are gone, or the opposite, what I was missing till it appears. I do have a fairly amazing life that seems to be getting better each year but numbers seem to play a factor still.
I feel I’m not living up to what the numbers are supposed to be. That I shouldn’t be where I am at almost 30, that I should be working fulltime, married with a child or two and weighing a certain amount. But while I thought I’d had it all planned at a young age nothing comes with a guarantee and by the time I reached the age I believed I would’ve married I knew that for myself I wasn’t ready not to mention the lack of a candidate for the role of husband. But perhaps the numbers are different in reality. They just become something different to the ways we anticipated. There’s no difference between lower or higher numbers. Some things require smaller amounts to be perfect and others take multiple tries to be effective.
A girl in the mirror, reflections of herself that remain illusions. The way she sees herself is somewhat deluded. It’s a matter of self-belief and low self-esteem. She only sees the dark parts of herself, unable to focus on the positive ones that others see in her. She can see the reflection of herself in the glass, the picture of a blonde girl with blue green eyes and a permanent fear. She’s unhappy with herself despite needing approval from others. The reflection shows her as ordinary and her thoughts run towards the darkness. She sees herself as anything but normal and it shoes in the stress she displays. She tries to spend as little time as she can confronting herself in a mirror. Living in a state of denial because she cannot deal with the truth. Afraid of what the mirror will show her, the deep buried truth she’s not aware of. She’s simply aware of the shadows in her heart, the ones that block her from seeing who she truly is and accepting everything she is. Becoming able to push away all the smudges covering the parts of herself that are truly beautiful.
And yet the best way to see a true reflection is snot a mirror but the eyes of someone who sees the best in you. They know the flaws you display, the fears in your heart and the truth in your soul. They are the strongest mirror, the most powerful reflection of all. An indication that our actions towards others are what our souls are truly for. These actions are what bring others closer and they reflect the truth of who we are. In the eyes of a child one is seen without masks, without walls being built up around. Eyes and hearts that focus on the goodness of a heart and soul. The sincerity of a smile between that of two people who share a real connection. In those eyes that see your flaws and all your strengths is the secret of your true reflection. It’s a part of something more than appearance. See the reflection in the surface in front of you and pay attention to the truth of who you are, who you are at your core that shines out to the world. That inner peace of yourself that alights with the hearts of others.
In a reflection, the glass reflects our physical appearance and shows the anomalies of us to ourselves and the world. We never actually see our true selves in person as it is impossible. We see only the reflections and our beliefs played out on the glass. We reflect a certain image to the world around us and one to that within our hearts. Reflections are what the world sees and what we can project to that world. We put on masks to reveal only so much to those around us. In an image we see a so called idea of beauty that we believe to be the truth but glass is a mere perception. It can distort our sense of the truth like a house of mirrors in a circus that exploits the flaws of us all. And in a moment of watching yourself you can focus too intently on one imperfection and it drowns out all the beauty you see in other areas. We play with our clothes, hair and face in a way to increase beauty in our own minds and to the other people around us. It’s a way to try improve ourselves and believe that we are beautiful.
It’s an internal projection. The way we see the world is in part how we see ourselves. That image on the glass is all our fears and frustrations, in a way our worst enemy, revealing all we dislike about ourselves and seeing all out flaws on display. But only when we feel that way. Other times we see the inner glow of our soul shining on the glass. The positive ray of sunshine enveloping us. We are only able to reflect so much to the world, be it our small inner world or the larger one around us. Our emotions are a reflection of the deepest part of our hearts and our reactions to this place we call earth. The glass is a façade that depicts a moment in time showing the reflection of a single soul.
Darkness erupts, a world sent to the place without lights. This blackout as night descends bringing out the things we’ve tried to hide. Secrets hidden deep begin to fester. We’ve forgotten our basic needs and we let the shine of light into all the shadows. Fear can be associated with the darkness. It creeps in at an age where monsters are real and live in places unseen. The monsters may change as we grow but the dark challenges our belief. There’s a small glimmer of hope within a single lit candle providing a flicker of light to show our way through the darkness. A blackout where everything seems to be on hold. You may say what can I do with this darkness and perhaps it’s a time to reconnect, to engage with others and remind ourselves of the real strength we possess. To shine our light out to the world doesn’t require some sort of electricity.
Blocked out by a moment, shock of all events that come to a point. Unable to see a way back to the light without repercussions. In moments of the dark it feels easier to drown oneself in the pain and fear. The world becomes the thing we blame when darkness surrounds. We wait for it to dissipate and sink further into a darkness. Blackness surrounds all and only a flicker of light could pull you out. All of a person can be drenched in the darkness, you can find a friend in the darkness, a seemingly endless void that calls to you, go in further to a thought; the blackness gripping at the strands of disconnection. Drowning in a pool of anxiety and fear where all keeps us stuck with images and thoughts running through our minds. Blackness corrupts and sends you on a path to find yourself in ways both hard and easy. But in this darkness we can become our real selves or we fall and stumble.
The world has gone dark and I cannot see a thing, all the shadows are taking control and dragging me down to a pit of despair. All I want is to sleep, forget the pain, forge the world and forget how hard the world is. I want someone to take away the pain, to save me from the dark dark world. To be able to bring myself out of the moods of heartache and embrace the light. Reality seems a faint illusion to a place where dreams in sleep are preferred. Where shadows are a form of enemy to many. Most people prefer to live in the light where all is illuminated and it shows all the objects within a corner that create the fear of so many nightmares. Light and dark cannot exist without each other, we need the light to explain the dark and darkness to complement the light.
Each of us has the potential to give into the darkness, to blacken our soul by becoming part of darkened times. It is easier to give in that to fight to stay inside the light but it is worth the fight. The darkness brings upon a blackout of another kind. It stops us from progressing and pulls us further down. But the light rejoices in our presence, it delights in helping us become the best we can. It knows we will succumb to its competitor at some point but it welcomes us back eagerly. It holds no expectations but accepts we have seen mountains and overcome struggles. We have walked beyond our limits and survived.
I forget sometimes, or is it that a choice I made to push things away. That someone says something and it’s not what I want to hear or I purposely push that thought away. It’s not all things and i wonder if there’s a place that contains all our forgotten memories. That place where we store our hopes and our dreams are our reality. Where fear doesn’t exist and we are able to be ourselves completely. The way I forget things and remember others is simply the way I am. I spend too much time analysing the words of others but I am a people pleaser so I often push myself in many directions before I finally break down, then the fear consumes me and I believe I am not worthy or I’m unable to be everything I seek. But the worlds run around in my head without any clear meaning. I run off with my imagination and everything compounds inside me; fear and nerves take up residence and everything turns to darkness.
I struggle with life challenges a lot of the time and forget to ask for help. I crawl into a tunnel I dug myself and hide the whole time expecting someone to save me. To be able to read my mind and fix the world. To hold me while I cry for reasons I cannot understand. I spend time on wishes I know may not be coming true. Life throws me challenges that tangle up my feelings with fear. I ponder too much on what could be and obsess about what has been. And I fixate on things that perhaps I should not. I allow fear to consume my soul, it’s all I know and all I’ve done. But now I can recognise that spiral that begins with a thought. How life can change me, how thoughts can affect my mood and expectations can change the struggle inside me.
There’s this kind of weird feeling taking me over, I want all to be perfect – the words, the house and the timing but I’m overwhelmed by a need and desire to simply let the day end. There are many hours in a day and sometimes I feel I wasted them. And again it comes to a sense of broken, how from a moment darkness can descend and seem to cripple every thought I’ve ever had of magic and light. So much I want to do, to achieve but it crashes with that sense of responsibility and what must be done to survive. There’s feelings I’d rather have and still ones that linger which I don’t want. Feelings take hold and twist me inside out leaving me worn out and tired. Expectations are illusions, we cannot live up to. All I see is a view of one sided mess. I have dreams I long to achieve, to be and goals but time is ticking. I want to just live in the moment but my mind always wanders. I stand in each moment but am I really aware of what each contains.
Emotions wash over me like rain pouring down. I feel it all and I let it overtake me. I allow myself to fall in the struggle and to fly with the success. I battle with the demons in my heart and the unrealised dreams. I feel so much fear and I run with it, letting it keep me back from my dreams and allowing it to stop me from following those dreams that can’t be achieved by a simple leap out of my comfort zone. I admit to the fear and I acknowledge its presence but at the same time I wish it wasn’t there. That I could just stamp through a field of negativity squashing all the fears in my life that aren’t truly anything to fear but simple warning signs for an anxiety ridden life. To push away the questions about life and love that appear at weird times or maybe work through these confusing thoughts.