Random

It seems the words won’t come anymore, they don’t fill the page, or they seem to ones I’ve written before or I’m just uninspired by the written word. Life has gotten in the way and the time to put pen to paper has slipped away. My random thoughts stay hidden within my head and heart. I can barely say a word out loud and all I want is a simple life. I’ve been tempted to do many things to change things up, throw out everything, remove things out of my diet or much worse just stop eating. My head is in a mixed-up sort of place where I am thinking the worst of myself; my skills are under par and underappreciated. Everything is moving too fast for me, I am out of touch with the way is changing, clinging to what I always knew as the world is moving around me. I can’t concentrate on one thing at a time as my mind wonders or so much needs to be done before I can begin to even think of writing something done and by then I’m tired or can’t be bothered because I’ve lost the spark.

Recently I’ve noticed so much is changing, I’m veering towards an age where things are becoming harder, my eyes are working harder at reading the smallest font and it’s actually concerning me. How do I stop these eyes of mine from becoming worse when I use them for mostly everything? I’m trying to keep on the positive side but there are moments that I want to fall apart and become someone else. I want to push aside all of the things that I believe are bad about myself and just focus on the good but with the way I am that seems rather impossible. There are so many amazing things in my life right now and I wish I could make them everything but even they bring me so much stress, building a house and planning a wedding at the same time is something I wouldn’t do again in a hurry but thankful I have an amazing man by my side to do so. After everything we’ve been through I am looking forward to spending my future with him in our own home and a shared name.

I sometimes wonder what the future will hold, will I rediscover my love of the written word or will it slip away with my eyesight. Will I ever learn how to cook rather than reheat? And will I be successful as a wife and homeowner and eventually mother? It makes me reflect on everything I am, have done and all the people that have come and gone in my life up to this point and all the influence they have on me. I am one for believing that everything will work out but now I’m realising it takes a bit of hard work to make the push happen. But I’m still feeling incapable of making it to the point I want to be, that I always freak out and need to be saved. But isn’t that what life is? Merely the rise of complications and how we deal with them.

The Real Deal

I may not be that sexy supermodel kind of girl but at least I am real and true. I know my heart and I cannot be untrue to myself. I need to be true to what my heart tells me, and I need to feel it completely or my body is raked with guilt. I can’t lie or be deceitful, I can’t pull it off, my poker face is non existent. I am not perfect and I can live with that but I beat myself up for not being able to more sometimes. My world is small but I prefer it that way. I like what I like and it takes a massive effort to change, to find the leap to be more. I make mistakes and I fail, I am trying to find the upside to not getting something right the first time. To appreciate the journey, the process and the lessons that come from imperfection. It’s a slow process but is it working? I could be too set in my ways to actually try a change or I could not want to. A battle in my head and heart of knowing what I’d like to be and taking the easy option because I think I’m limited.

I’d like to believe I have tried many times but maybe I lost control and plummeted into the same easy pattern of old. At some point I’ve decided to just take the options as I always have. Truthfully I only have myself to blame as I have become set in one rhythm and the want to shift it isn’t seemingly conscious within me. The mind says one thing and when the time comes something pops up to distract your focus. Or the unexpected completely changes the view you have. I have a need for routine and it needs to be so, I don’t like the disruptions, or at least I need the time to prepare ahead of time. Things need to be done and that consumes me. All must be done that is meant to be before I can even try to change myself. I’ll attempt to push reality to a certain point, to make it what I want. There are dreams of things I want to do, to be but there are steps that need to be taken to reach those goals. It’s a lot of motivation I need to find to help me on my way to achieve this.

I have an idea of what my perfect image of myself is, the confident and outgoing woman that isn’t afraid to make mistakes. A woman that has a body she is proud to show off, to wear outfits that are tight and revealing. To be a supermodel in my mind and to those that love me. There are images that flow through my mind of what I am, but to some degree I think they are simply that. Not in any reality something I could achieve realistically. I see these images and maybe they are the wrong dream for my life or I’m approaching it wrong. Am I not truly in touch with what I want? Or need and that is why the dreams are not coming true for me. Is it really so hard for the dreams to come my way? Is it that I have achieved them and I’m uncomfortable in the stillness or are dreams simply always meant to be dreams that can never be attained?

I know that reality is a scary concept for me, but I also know that while my head may be stuck in fantasies I am about as real as it comes. I’m slowly trying to be more in touch with what reality is but I can’t stop the wanting of magical believing and fairy tales so perhaps I’ll try to merge them together as best I can. A fairytale reality, But I know there is hard work involved in either direction. That my impression of myself is only one of the impressions that count, the important people around me have an idea of the things about me that I don’t see and that is important to the overall being that is me. I don’t need to be someone that I am not, I need to be true to myself and real with the people that are in my life and support me.

People Do

People do what they want to with no regards to others around them. They think the world revolves around them. It’s the smallest things like a missed invitation that make it clear that people can be selfish and unable to move on. This person I considered a friend didn’t invite me to their engagement party which hurts on some level. I do understand that it’s their choice and there may have been a question of numbers at the venue or some such thing but to but to find out from a friend (Who I do not blame in the slightest) that It was happening well it’s a kick in the guts. I wouldn’t have thought it possible for this person. Our lives may be different now and in different paths but seriously twelve years of friendship and it went kaboom. Perhaps it’s something even deeper that I can’t even see but the pain will stay. The lack of communication makes me think something happened but now I suppose it’s my turn to be selfish and push this person away, down a rung to a less important level unless amends are somehow made.

People do things that can be hurtful that can change others in unknown ways. They think they know the entire picture but they haven’t walked in another’s shoes to see the effect. They do what is all about them to one day realise their mistake. But what about the others, do they even think about them. I know I’m a people pleaser and I want everyone to be ok and that’s not the way the world works, people take whenever they can and never give back to the universe. The little bubble they surround themselves with will pop and when they reach out nobody will be there. People do things without truly thinking about the consequences, they just plunge into the action. People become so focused on everything about themselves they don’t see the way that helping others makes you feel.

People are entirely complex creatures, they want one thing but say they want something else. They hide emotions deep inside and expect others to know what they are thinking. People believe something that isn’t the truth because they can’t see the other picture, the other shoe someone wears. People do the best they can by themselves but for me I believe it should be the best they can to human kind and not to the point of overly selfishness. Yes at times we need to remove certain people from our lives and that can hurt others but the situation I found myself in there was no understanding of why this happened, has she pushed me away? And is this more of what’s to come. Goodbye to what that was. People do things that make no sense and then there are people that simply do nothing at all. There is simply no balance between the selfless nature of some and the selfish nature of others.

People can be the most wonderful creatures at times and at others they are horrible and deceitful and the way they treat others is horrible but I suppose the trick is to find the people that matter and hold onto them and follow the old adage that you treat others as you wish to be treated.

Write

I want to write something that matters, something that connects with others and helps them heal and feel. Because there is only so much that fills me up with its inspiration and hope. I want to be able to give advice and provide examples but my anxiety is all mixed up. No one else I know struggles with life like I do, no one else has the problem of failing to swallow tablets or somehow it becoming a bigger deal than it is. I’m a mess with it, it strips me and I freeze in the immensity. My brain makes me overthink and nothing goes the way I want. I’ve tried many ways and I’ve failed. I’m losing heart and faith in myself. And the fear builds up continuing to consume me. How can I give others inspiration and hope when I seem to be lacking it myself. I’m still learning in many ways about life and what works for me. Learning to find how to like myself and how to not let that fear in. I am afraid of so much in life and maybe spiritually that blocks me, some sort of chakra block that affects the way I swallow and communication in general. So how can that be inspiring? How can me words be helpful to someone else?

I feel I break everything I touch, there’s always pain in my shoulders and neck. I still can’t get used to sharing my bed at night time despite how much I want him there. My hormones are out of control and i wonder how to be less of a mess. So much I want to control and that’s overwhelming. I try to stand tall but often I simply want to sleep and forget everything. I want all to be simple, to feel the intimacy and sleep an entire night with him by my side. I want my story to be something more inspiring than it may already be. I want to be able to say to hell with it and jump in to all the fears. I want to dedicate time to my soul and inspire myself to be more. I want perfection, the parts of failure to become less so and the world to be the right amount of challenging for me. I want to be able to say that I’m scared and yet still be able to do this thing I’m scared of. I want to be able to know the words to say when my hearts wants to communicate and all makes no sense in the world.

Or an idea comes that I think is simple, could take up an entire piece but then it slips away or takes longer to complete than I envisioned. It loses the timely connection or I feel the importance slip away. I miss that need of simply wanting to write and not needing it to be more than words to thoughts. To know the words fill the page as they are meant to and speak from my soul. To release myself from what haunts me, to make some sort of sense of the world I’m in and all the frustrations and fears that contain me. I want to write them away but everything runs away from my mind when I get to the time to write or something occupies my thoughts that seems more important at the time. Or the words just leave or don’t come out the way I want. Yet whenever I am away from the page words fall into my head with inspiration and ideas flow like there’s no stop to them but by the time I reach a moment where it’s possible to complete the thought it’s gone.

The idea of wanting to write still appeals to me but life is calling me to explore other areas, That maybe somehow this need to write just isn’t as important or as vital as it once was. Perhaps I need to focus on other areas to enhance this creative outlet and then having the break may bring me back to the essence of writing, to the spark that brings it to life and makes the words flow.

It may be that the small things set me off that things build up within me to the point that it all crashes upon a single tip of an iceberg. I can attempt to deal with the big things but the smaller things are once I try to ignore but they make me restless with how much effort it takes to put into ignoring it. There’s a feeling that I begin to feel that I’m imperfect and incomplete because everything seems to take more time to make correctly than it should. Nothing is just perfect the first time, it takes me more tries to create something beautiful and life gets in the way of everything I think I want. Everything I seem to try just ends up hurting someone or myself, and there is no way I could fix anything even potentially to a point that is likely to be perfect.

There are plans in place, things that need to unfold before the future begins to become what I want, there are more hours needing to be worked, routines changed and houses to be built. There are realistic adult expectations needed and letting go of childhood longings and perhaps that scares me, leaving part of myself behind and embracing the adult I am. But there are always the other fears within me too, what if there is not enough money between the two of us to make a life worthwhile and what if god forbid I am unable to bare his children or somehow I am not a good mother. There are all these different thoughts that run through my mind about the future, neither of us knows what the future will contain but I honestly hope it is with him and I admire his ability to be practical about it all but I also wish there was more of the magical and mystical quality that I once thought there would be.

I do try to be perfect and yet I know that there is no such thing, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be and I suppose that means not second guessing myself at every single thing. Taking in the present moments for what they are, and realising that not everything has to be a certain way. That there is a sense of wonder in the unknown and the ability to make every moment seem precious and full of amazement. However even with the best of intentions I still manage to lose the moments of time where all is still in the present and there’s that sense of perfection.

In my Heart

At least now I can say I’ve done it and while it hasn’t been perfect I’ve learnt lessons and I have seen so much. But I have been filled with anxiety and uncertainty, with thoughts that I need to be up front and what is the point if I’m not, and at times I’m too tired and my body cannot cope with early mornings followed by late nights. I’ve worn myself out and I’m longing to return to everyday but I will never be sorry for what this band has brought to me, the music that has healed my soul and the people that have been met along the way. The way a week has felt both slow and fast simultaneously and my heart has felt so alive with words and the beat that moves me. It has been a time that shows me I am stronger than I believe, that sometimes I have to let routine go and be crazy with the happiness that envelopes my body.

There’s a reason it brings me so much happiness and joy, takes me back to place where it was my escape, moved me to create a better me and helped me with immense grief. This band has brought such wonderful people to my life and has inspired me to challenge myself. I’ve thrown myself into anxiety ridden situations and somehow come out stronger for them. This is what happens when a young girl falls in love with a band, she does all in her power to take opportunities to see them and protect them. Her life becomes geared toward that goal and she will do whatever she can within her power to be around people of a similar persuasion.

Is there really anything better than the exhilaration and excitement from being surrounded by people that are connected by sounds and hype, that feel the same level of connection to a band? These people that understand the love, the feeling of lining up all day from the early hours of the morning to long after the sun has set all with the passion to hear everything from the front row. Somehow everything sounds better from as close as possible. This is the place where true colours are shown but it’s all for one reason.

There will always be this place in my heart that will come back to these times, nothing can ever replace the way it makes me feel and everything that a song has helped me through over the years and years. For the lyrics that speak to me in any mood and moment it’s an immense power that captivates my soul and leaves such an everlasting feeling within me.

Crazy

It seems karma hit you, the drama you caused, the attention you wanted and now you got the attention you wanted but it somehow blew up. You are now a piece of gossip within the community that you’ve lost your marbles and taken on some crazy within you. You seek the attention and in a way that’s what you got. Your name is now known to a large group of people and your story is complicated between the lines of reality and fiction. You are another rumour to add to the collection and the words you said will run through all minds. Some of us were present for your misadventure and you tried to turn to me but my answer was no. Somehow the explosions of our past skipped your mind or you tried to pull me back and failed. Your actions previously have showed that I cannot have you in my life, that you were the one that caused the toxicity. You blame others for your actions without taking any responsibility yourself and that’s where we depart. You wanted attention and the drama and it’s not what I crave, I only want a quiet happiness with real people that have honest intentions and welcoming hearts.

And to think I was anxious about the whole thing and having you around me but it appears I’m not the only one that you stuffed around. You want people to feel sorry for you and pity you thus providing you with the attention you crave to spin this situation your way. But now it’s all your opportunity to revive your reputation is shattered. Everyone now knows of your illusions and the result of that. And to think you tried to pull that crap on me but since you’d said we were no longer friends I wasn’t going to help you more than I needed to. I felt a pinch of sympathy for you but that’s all. I just want to leave you out of my life, your dramatics are not needed and your acting is insane. I hope you find some help because truly I am reaching closure over here about everything that occurred between us. And I’m over it. I won’t allow you admittance into this new part of my life. You’ve shown your true colours and that’s not what I’m wanting in my life. I won’t involve myself in your life any longer and I hope you do the same. I’ll be leaving any traces of you behind and pushing forward.

You’ve shown me that what I really treasure and need is something you’re not able to bring to my life. But there are things I never thought you’d be capable of and in mere months your true colours have been exposed to the world. There are ways you could’ve changed, you could’ve reacted differently and not tried to make a situation about you, because apparently you got backstage to begin this madness so in a way if that is the truth then it was your fault. You must’ve known on some level that you were beginning something and would become a story. One thing it has highlighted to me is how you have lied over the years or placed blame on other people, you always found a way to shift your responsibility. You’ve made it seem like everyone else was at fault and you had no part in anything which is simply ridiculous. I am done with that drama and the hysterics you showed, I would’ve preferred if you had never shown up and just let me keep everything simple but honestly the latest events have proven that while I had my doubts I was never wrong to let you go.

So all in all I hope that your stay in the hospital helped you realise that the help you are currently receiving may not be actually everything you need at all. I’m not blaming you for not knowing it and I am not blaming me for letting it go. No more drama from you will be tolerated and I am at peace with that decision.

Emotional

I am an emotional person and in some ways it leads me to some paths I hadn’t anticipated. It makes me think what other people’s thought are and overthink in general. Anxiety grips me hard and I run off with a though that takes me nowhere and I react to the smallest inconvenience. I feel I need to control every little moment and not notice the present moment I am in. I try to predict the future and plan it a certain way but I know the future can only be planned to a certain degree. I have this logical rational part inside me but it’s often drowned out by all the “what if’s” and uncertainty of life. I worry about the future with immense fear like I can control it when I know I can’t. I have to find a balance between living for now and allowing the emotions to roll through me. To find a way to communicate with myself and the people in my life.

Anxiety brings me to a place I don’t understand. It makes me think I’m not normal. That I lack something the world sees, instead I have something the world needs that makes me blind to its beauty. I’m busy worrying about the future that I miss the wonder of the present moment. I haven’t locked myself into a time line of what to achieve. Maybe I don’t want to pin point it in case it doesn’t happen exactly that way. I’d like to believe that hoping and being true will help it all along. That having an idea of what I want my future to be will help immensely. Overthinking reaches my mind a lot and It makes me question one little thing said or one internal query. There’s no control over how someone else thinks or what the fates have planned for the future. And this anxiety grips me to the point that my emotions tend to fly. I turn inwards for answers that I can’t find.

I can try to explain in words how words fail me in real life, as writing seems to be somehow easier even when at times that seems hard. To communicate in person seems somewhat difficult to me so I keep my walls high and the chain on my heart tight. Years of only having myself has left me only letting others in to a point. I’ve been disappointed by others so maybe I find complete trust harder than I thought. It’s easier to walk away than admit I’m frozen with words unspoken. To fill my mind with thoughts to breathe into words to take up space. Sometimes I think I’ll say the wrong thing and this person will leave. That words are the reason so many have left in my past. Then I’ll blame myself that the words I’ve said are the cause. Deep down I know the irrationality of it but perhaps it’s easier to believe than working on the true cause.

For me it all seems to be this long run of bad things happening to me, with me not having any effect on them. I just run along the way things occur, that I cannot change the way these happen. That everything is already planned a certain way and I’m simply following that path that fate has declared me to be on. Maybe I believe that everything will simply happen when it meant to and it won’t require too much work and on the other hand there’s a sense of me needing to be in control of everything, every little moment of life and that just drives me crazy. There must be a balance to finding a sense of control and letting things just happen naturally. Life should be able to be lived with hope and ease that everything will work out.

Windows

A space between two places; here and there. Inside this room I am protected from the elements but out there lays the hopes and dreams I seek. Outside I see rolling green hills and deep blue seas topped by a brilliant dazzling sky some days and on others the sky turns to a murky grey and threatens to release all the emotions of the world down upon us. But it extends the possibility that I today I can tackle any challenge with the hope that I’ll succeed. Behind a pane of glass the world rolls on, people continue their lives and go on with their daily motivation but there is always beauty around.

I sit in this place watching the world go by through this glass separating me from the outside world. I can hear voices of the people around me but my mind is making up stories about everyone outside carrying on with their lives. The sun is shining out there and so the world glints with sparkles but I know the darkness will soon follow. There are spots on the glass that are imperfect, smudges that show the world is only seen one way by one person and everyone else sees it differently. Whichever way you look through a window you see a tiny perspective of the world around you, a tiny portion not hidden by the shadows.

And then at times there are moments where it seems I’m surrounded by windows and everyone can see inside but I’m unable to see out. Everyone sees every little thing I can do and I’m powerless to stop their prying eyes. It’s as though I’m on a stage or the television and everyone is glued to my every action. And all I want is to run away to a place where there are no windows or where they are frosted over and I can see them but they can’t see in. Windows bring in the sunlight to create the warmth within the inside room but the world carries on outside of it, the birds continue to fly and life continues to move. For a mere moment of time we are either absorbed by the goings on as we look through this window or are we busy occupying ourselves with what is being shown by the light inside the room.

Through the pane of glass the world looks perfect, there are no imperfections outside this box. Everything seems to be perfect, there’s a sheen from the sun reflecting on the glass causing me to see faint flickers of the dust in the air and blocking the world from my view, leaving me with a tiny glimpse of what’s outside. There’s particles of light floating in the air distorting the wall behind what it touches. A window is between two worlds, drawing from one to the other something that’s missing from the other. It keeps all in wonder and all wishing for something that is on the other side.