Compare

(Warning: Explicit Word Ahead Used)

Sitting here I somehow begin those comparisons, the ones I used to do with those around me; those skinner than me and those that have more than I do. Yet I am content with how my life is currently going for the most part. There are areas I could improve upon and others I need to think about but the future scares me. How I reached thirty years old without having achieved so much I don’t really understand other than to say that I must’ve runaway from so much in my life. I’ve been in denial and hid myself from what I really actually want.

I’ve fallen backwards recently somehow believing that the future will just be there and that it’ll all work itself out and yet maybe I should have some hand in it. There are things I somehow expect to happen and others that I’ve mistakenly fallen apart from. I’ve gained back the weight I’ve lost in recent years and that makes me feel like throwing myself back in bed and hiding and not eating a thing until it disappears by itself which is insane and I know it. But I’ve lost some of the support I once had and now I’m on my own and clearly that is just not working anymore. I try to stick to a gym routine but maybe I’m alone but I simply get bored being there, I must be the kind of person that needs someone else to tell me how to do an exercise and which one to do as my mind just wanders otherwise.

But then the little things throw me, the crap that is now ingrained in my car that I waited too long to deal with and now will be a constant reminder of the mistake and my lack of time and organisational skills. The fact this makes me want to buy a new car when mechanically all is still sound and it’s just the appearance that is imperfect. I pride myself on some sort of perfection when internally I am anything but, I am a messed up, confused woman who still feels like she’s only a teenager.  I can’t explain sometimes the thoughts that run through my head and the impulse that makes me want to run. The need to see the best of myself in comparison to others is soaked under the skin and stuck to every cell in my body which is ridiculously crazy and insane.

I’ll forever wonder if I’m good enough for all I am, all I want to be. If everything is enough for someone out there and then in a moment I just won’t care. I’ll find some strength to say I honestly just don’t give a fuck anymore, that everything I am is because this is how I was meant to be and this feeling of being inadequate is simply a part of that. It’s a moment in time that’s meant to teach me and help me learn and grow. It’s the process I’m going through that brings me to these moments of perfect clarity to help me seek what it all means, what everything truly means and to discover that those people I compare myself to are not perfect by any means and have flaws too. Even perhaps that they see things in me that they envy and compare themselves to.